There have not been many positives to this year, but I have desperately tried to find some hope amongst the darkness. I have desperately wanted a polytunnel for many years but have always found excuses: they are too expensive; I wouldn't have time to look after it; they would be too difficult to assemble. However, in March, when we went into lockdown I decided to investigate polytunnels. To my surprise, I discovered that they are not too expensive and quite easy to assemble. So I bought myself a polytunnel. I am also trying to follow a plant-based diet and so am always worrying about the quality of my food. I can't afford to buy organic produce. So, with the help of my husband, I had my first polytunnel. It gave me a small haven from the stresses of being in lockdown. I added a row of bunting to make it look more homely. I planned quiet evenings sat in my polytunnel, drinking wine and reading. However, once I started to grow vegetables, it all went kind of crazy and there was no room for me. I have a north-facing garden so really nothing should grow in it, but, if I don't keep on top of it, it soon becomes a jungle. I can't begin to tell you how much joy I have achieved from growing some vegetables. I loved going outside to snip a few lettuce leaves as and when I needed them. We did have bug gate when my 17 year-old son discovered to his horror a bug crawling over his lettuce. (Yes, I did wash the leaves before serving them but, this tiny creature had stayed in-situ.) It reminded me of how disconnected we are from where our food actually comes from). I am so guilty of buying food wrapped in tonnes of plastic. It pains me to admit it, but I am a plastic addict. No matter how hard I try to avoid plastic I still end up with far too much. It breaks my heart to think of how I am polluting our beautiful world. Attempting to do the right thing is not easy when you are on a budget. This year has been one hell of a steep learning curve but one thing I have learnt is the joy of gardening. I apologise to anyone reading this who lives in a flat or who does not own a garden. Lockdown made me appreciate my garden more than ever. But, if you do live in a flat, buy some fresh herbs. It is amazing how much you can grow in a pot. Lancaster University grows food stuff in communal spaces and students are encouraged to harvest it. Why don't we do this elsewhere? Wouldn't it be great if people could pick their own food for free. The ultimate food bank. As a child I loved foraging for blackberries especially living to the rule of only taking what you need. So, basically whilst in lockdown, I didn't learn to play an instrument nor did I learn a foreign language, but I re-discovered my love of gardening. Every time I plant a seed and it grows I am amazed. It's a better buzz than anything else I can think of. Yes, it was hard work and frustrating at time, but it was worth it. It is also a fantastic form of exercise. I was not only burning off the calories of too many lockdown treats, but I actually produced something – a whopping great marrow. One day, it was a small courgette and the next it was a massive monster marrow. Sometimes when working as a trauma therapist it can be easy to focus on all what's wrong with the world and mankind. So it is nice for me to dig deep and remember that the world is good too. It's not all bad and this will help to sustain me in my work.

After a two-year wait, while I found the right images to accompany my text, I finally turned the story of Evie May into an e-book called Nine Lives: the story of Evie May. Thanks to my illustrator, Victoria Gower, who drew some beautiful illustrations which were worth waiting for. I had kind of given up on my dream of writing. As a wife and a mum-of-four, it is easy to forget the person I used to be. Ever since I was a child I was a prolific writer who dreamt of the freedom of being a writer. After a brief unsuccessful and unhappy stint of being a journalist, I switched careers and became a nurse. All thoughts of being a writer were forgotten. I loved my time as a nurse until I got ill with Fibromyalgia and so had to find work that would fit in with my health issues. So, I re-trained to be a counsellor which was the very best decision I ever made especially as I had to write essays. It reminded me of just how much I love to write. As someone who has always been painfully shy it allows me a voice. This is so liberating. Anyway, last Monday, I was enjoying a coffee with my husband and we were talking about our dreams and aspirations and I said I want to write more and he said why don't you? I was like why don't I? I then reeled of a list of familiar excuses such as I don't have time, I need to do (insert a mundane job), it would be unfair to you/the children/ readers. You name it, I listed it as an excuse. My husband then hit me with the question no therapist ever wants to hear. What would you say to a client? Ouch! I had no-where to go with this as I knew that I could make time. I even have this blog waiting for me. I just need to sit down and write something. I have now set aside two hours per week to blog. As I sat down to write this I thought what can I write about? My mind was completely blank. I was not only fighting horrendous guilt about the washing that is languishing in the laundry basket, or the pile of ironing waiting for me., but I had writer's block. But, hell no, I was going to write something, anything. I need to practice what I preach and make some me time. I know that by sitting for this hour I will feel re-energised and more able to give to my husband, my children and even the household chores. I am saying that if you have a dream then don't give up on it. Find the time. I am sure nobody has lain on their deathbed and said, if only I had done more ironing. As a child who dreamed of spending, every Sunday ironing, to then find the same clothes two days later, screwed up in a ball, on one of their children's bedroom floors . Not me. Research indicates the importance of play for adults. If we live in a world where all we do is work, pay the bills etc., then we are at higher risk of developing anxiety and depression. There wasn't a lot to enjoy about lockdown but the one thing I did appreciate was how people filled the time. I loved watching people on social media, making games out of nothing, or learning new skills. This is not a criticism or a judgement of people who didn't, or our fantastic key workers who worked throughout. What I am saying is that, if you do have a dream, it's ok to follow it, in fact it is more than ok to follow the dream. Ironically, I was convinced that I would be swallowed by guilt as I wrote this but I wasn't, the guilt disappeared as I really got into what I was writing. So, go out there, and create. Nine Lives: Evie-May's story is available from Amazon priced at £2.99. It is a book written for children, to teach them that everybody is worthy of love, regardless of size, colour etc.

WORDS are probably the most powerful tool we have in our armoury. Think of the old saying, that the pen is mightier than the sword. Why is that? This is because we know that words can make or break us. With physical wounds, we either die or recover. But with cruel verbal comments, we are left in a mental limbo. What do we do with cruel comments or jibes? Usually they stick to us, especially the derogatory ones. They are what change our behaviour. How many times have you loved an outfit until someone makes a nasty comment about it, and then we find ourselves hanging the said garment at the back of our wardrobe, never to be worn again. What makes social media so cruel? Celebrities are not being physically hurt online, but they are having abusive and hurtful words aimed at them. When we think of abuse, our minds usually conjure up images of physical injuries or sexual abuse. But what about verbal abuse? Words become like weapons of soul destruction whereby our whole identity is destroyed by negative comments! With every hurtful jibe, another piece of our soul is destroyed until we are unable to function at our best. Bullies may use physical violence to hurt their victims, but their words cause the most lasting damage. As a therapist, I know that emotional abuse is deemed to be the lesser of all evils, but it can be the hardest to treat. Most clients find it easy to acknowledge that sexual and physical abuse is wrong, but how do you make them see that words can be abusive? So when does a negative comment go from being fair comment to being abusive? One major tell would be if the words used were said with the intent of bringing you down, or used as a means to change your behaviour to suit the perpetrator. So next time your inner voice says something negative about you, ask yourself if that voice sounds like you, or is the voice someone else? Think back to how many times you have let someone else's words change you or your behaviour. What was their motive behind their words? Were they really trying to help you, or were they trying to demean you and make you feel insecure about yourself? We also need to consider the words we use when we are talking to people. Do we really need to put somebody else down to feel good about ourselves? If so, then we need to think of positive ways to make ourselves feel good. True personal happiness can never be gained at the expense of another. The power of emotional/psychological abuse is so great that it is the weapon of choice for narcissists. Narcissists love using words to control their victims because they realise just how difficult it is to hold them to account. If you try to call them out on a nasty comment, they will go to their next method of control - gaslighting. Tweaking your reality. They will convince you that you 'took it the wrong way' because you are 'too sensitive'. They may even convince you that the fact you thought the comment was so bad is evidence of your own warped mind. A normal person wouldn't have taken the comment the way you did. It is truly amazing just how many partners/children and friends or narcissists are 'too sensitive', and while it is true that narcissists love an empath, if a comment hurts or wounds you there is a reason for that - it was meant to. Narcissists save nice comments for themselves. Their words were meant to cut you to the quick so you start to doubt yourself. If a narcissist's self-image is challenged, they may fly into a narcissist rage and lash out physically. But this would never be their first choice. While they can't allow their mask of perfection to slip, they don't like to use physical abuse because it is easier for them to be held to account for violent behaviour. Physical violence leaves a trail of evidence, but words can be twisted. Unless you record the narcissist's words, how can you prove that is what they said about you? They will be so convincing when they deny it. Even you will begin to question whether or not you imagined it. This is exactly what they want - you to start to doubt yourself. Narcissists often say flattering comments about you to other people so that everyone thinks they love you and could never say the awful things you say they said about you. Each comment will chisel away at your confidence and self-worth until it is all eroded away and you are fully under their control. If you are not sure if you have a narcissist in your life then ask yourself whether there is anyone in your life with whom you cannot be yourself? The person who always makes you feel rubbish about yourself. The person who always think that they always know best. You can never say or do the right thing when you are with them, however you feel that you are lucky that they want to know you. If there is somebody in your life who is always putting you down with hurtful words then ask yourself why? Does this person always cause you more misery than happiness? If so, why do you continue to have a relationship with them? Can you leave the relationship? If you think you can change them or eventually please them, then you are wrong. Narcissists don't change and they don't seek help because in their eyes there is nothing wrong with them. You either stay and watch as you are gradually eroded away, piece by piece, or you find the courage to leave. Whilst leaving requires a huge amount of courage, it also offers the potential for happiness. But if you stay nothing will ever change.

NARCISSISTS are so full of bad feelings about themselves that they cannot deal with them, so their favourite coping mechanism is to find another person, usually a partner or a child, on whom they can project all their bad feelings. They then use them as a blank canvas. Just imagine how great this must feel for the narcissist who is now free of all these horrible feelings, but what about their victim - the blank canvas? What does it do to them? Whilst the narcissist feels better, their victim is weighed down by a lot of negative feelings which don't really belong to them. The narcissist who is unhappy with their looks will do everything they can to make their victim feel bad about the way they look. The narcissist feels they eat too much so they convince their victim that they overeat. The bewildered victim begins to absorb the negativity until they believe what the narcissist says is the truth. What can the victim do to stop this? Normally, one would argue their case and refuse to accept the negative accusations of the narcissist. However, this is where things differ when you are dealing with a narcissist. You will never win an argument with a narcissist, no matter how good you think you are at arguing (or how good your case is). In fact, never being able to win an argument is one of the warning signs that your partner/parent/friend is a narcissist. Narcissists will never, under any circumstance, admit that they are wrong, even when the evidence against them is overwhelming. The will twist the situation to make you look like you are bad and/or mad. Challenging a narcissist may be dangerous. This is because when their sense of self is threatened, they may fly into a narcissist rage, which may result in physical violence towards you. Narcissists should always be handled with care. This does not mean that you should accept their nasty comments and bad behaviour (there is one rule for the narcissist and one rule for everybody else) but you need to leave as they will never change. Why should they even try? As far as they are concerned, they are perfect just the way they are. They have off-loaded all of their negative traits on to you. If you are unable to escape their clutches, you will gradually begin to think that they are right. They will persuade you that their cruel and hurtful comments about your looks or eating habits are there to help you become a better person. They will fail to listen to your opinion that they eat a lot more than you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough in their eyes. You go from being a blank canvas onto which all their negative beliefs about themselves can be projected onto, to a human dustbin which takes responsibility for everything. The narcissist does not have enough money. It's your fault because you don't earn enough or spend too much even though they secretly buy things and hide the purchases. They don't have friends. It's your fault because nobody likes you - you're not sociable enough. Everything in their life was great until they had the misfortune of meeting you. You feel terrible for ruining their life because you can't do enough, love them enough, or be enough for them. All dustbins eventually become full, so what happens when you cannot take anymore? You have two choices. But do you stay or do you go? Usually at this stage, you feel so bad about yourself that you cannot see a way out. Children - even adult children - of narcissists feel compelled to stay close to the abusive parent who has perfected the art of guilt-tripping. As a partner of a narcissist you may be tied to them due to children and financial commitments. It can feel like there is no way out of this awful situation. But there is always a way out, and nobody should have to live like this. If you cannot see a way out then please seek professional help. If you cannot afford therapy then please find a local domestic violence or abuse charity who will be able to help you. The National Domestic Helpline (aka Refuge) can be contacted on 0808 2000 247. Or the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) on 0207 188 8270 . Or text NCDV to 60777 and they will call you back. In an emergency don't hesitate to call 999. If you are unable to speak press 55 and this will alert the operator to trace the call and send help quickly. No matter what they say or tell you, it is not your fault. The narcissist is the one with the problem, and you are enough just the way you are. If someone loves you then they will not want to change you.

IF I was covered in cuts and bruises, the result of physical abuse, then the world could see the damage inflicted on me. But using words as a weapon of psychological abuse shows no physical signs of hurt, yet can prove to be so much more devastating. Think back to a time when you were a child in the playground and the school bully hit or kicked you. Yes, it hurt at the time and it might have left a bruise, but the pain subsided and the bruise faded. Even broken bones heal. Please do not think for one moment that I am suggesting that physical abuse is ok because i am NOT! All abuse whether it is physical, sexual, emotional or financial is wrong. Nobody should ever use their power or influence to hurt or control another. The point I am trying to make is that it leaves evidence for people to see. Witnesses seem to pay more attention to physical injuries whereas there is a kind of thinking that emotional abuse is ok because it is just words. How damaging can words be? There is the implication that the victim should just ignore or forget the callous words of the perpetrator. But, if you think back to your schooldays, how many of you can recall instantly the catty comments or teasing you were subjected to? I often see clients who have made major life-changes based on throwaway remarks by another. Emotional abuse is often deemed to be the less severe form of abuse, but it is the hardest to treat. How do you begin to treat someone when you cannot see where the damage, the wounds to their self-esteem or psyche begin? Perpetrators of sexual and physical abuse have to stop at some point as they can't possibly begin to abuse 24/7 hours a day. However, with emotional abusers they can inflict their damage continually. They may present one way to the outside world and then behind close doors show a whole different side, as they take delight in denigrating and destroying their chosen victim. The victim is made to believe that it is their fault, their defectiveness which invites the snide, negative comments. The perpetrator may even convince them that it is the victim's fault that makes them behave in that cruel way. It is never the victim's fault. Nobody deserves to have their character assassinated. What concerns me is the way victims of emotional abuse are treated. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence. In severe forms it can manifest as coercive control which is now considered a crime. However, nobody would tell a victim of physical domestic violence to just get over it or forget it. Photographs of cuts and bruises can provide a wealth of evidence for legal proceedings. How can you prove that a nasty remark, said in 2003, was so wounding that it completely changed your behaviour, the way you dressed, how you viewed yourself, shattered what little belief you had in yourself? Yet such victims will be told to forget what was said to them. Not only do they have to live with the knowledge that their perpetrator will never face punishment or justice, but that they should just ignore what was said. If only it was that simple. At best, the victim will have to live with the fact that they have wasted so many years of their lives, but it is often impossible to resurrect the person they used to be. The perpetrator has cleverly planted seeds of doubt which like pesky perennial weeds will need constant attention to ensure they never take hold again. They risk growing to strangle the new, tender green shoots of recovery. Never underestimate the power of words and emotional abuse. OK, you might not be able to assist the victim in attaining justice but do not tell them to just forget it. Validate what they have suffered and treat their invisible, emotional wounds just as seriously as you would cuts and bruises. Also, acknowledge that it will take so much longer to heal. I ask you to offer victims of emotional abuse the same level of care as you would a victim of physical or sexual abuse. Feel as angry on their behalf as you would for a victim of physical or sexual abuse.